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Dating Article Archives
Long distance relationships, can they stand the test of time?
Q:"I
really like this guy, but he lives in Tennessee and I
live in Florida. I see him sometimes during the summer,
but I want to know if we can actually have a
long-distance relationship. Can they work?" — Candace,
15 |
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A: I have been in a
few long-distance relationships before, and let me tell you —
they are tough! Let me give you an example of one of my
far-and-away loves: in my early twenties, I dated this guy who
lived in Chicago (while I was in New York) for about a year.
For half of the time, I was positively giddy with romance and
drama — how bereft I felt because he wasn't with me, how
passionately I expressed myself through whispered phone
conversations and work e-mail, how in love I was despite all
the external hurdles. I was acting like the swooning girl on
the cover of a bodice-busting romance novel. But then there
was the other half of the time, when I was just . . .
distracted. I had a life to live, a new city to live in, and I
couldn't help but start developing friendships with the fun
people I was meeting. Eventually, my distractions turned into
major roadblocks and the whole relationship unraveled, despite
good intentions all around. Why? Because I was too young to be
making such sacrifices, even though I was mad for him.
And you are even younger! In your teen years, it's important
to be experiencing as much as you can — remember, life is one
big all-you-can-eat buffet right now. When you are committed
to the entree who lives a couple hundred miles away, you can't
taste all the other delicious nibbles that are on your plate
right in front of you! (OK, I'm taking this buffet metaphor a
bit far, but you get the picture.)
The truth is, a lot of LDRs (that's fancy speak for
long-distance relationships) end up in the trash can because
it is really hard to maintain intimacy without any physical
closeness. To make it work, you have to be an awe-inspiring
communicator; you have to be able to talk through any
discomfort, jealousy or trust issues you might be feeling. And
having good communication skills means spending a lot of time
on the phone, on the Internet, or huddled over your writing
pad at your desk — which is not exactly "living it up" in your
fun-loving teenage years.
If you feel strongly about this person and he reciprocates; if
you are both honest about the difficulties about LDRs and are
both willing to take them on equally; if you both promise to
maintain your own private lives and not throw everything away
for the sake of maintaining this long-distance bond, then go
for it. But I bet you could probably find a boy you liked just
as much right in front of your nose, if you just bothered to
look.
— Jessica Baumgardner
If you've got serious love probs or
are just curious about your crush, send us your questions to
boytalk@seventeen.com. We're sorry we won't be able to
respond to everyone's questions!
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More on Long Distance
Dating |
Long-Distance Relationships
By
Andre Cross
(Askmen.com)
Women: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. This
common expression relates well to the problematic issue of
long distance relationships, because when your relationship is
put to through this particular test, its time to decide which
of these opposing statements applies to you the most.
The path of life tends to pull people in different directions.
Some random turn of events can sometimes have the power to
decide the fate of a couple. For instance, if a man is being
relocated across the country due to a promotion at work, and
his woman is doing just fine in her present career, they
inevitably end up going their separate ways.
Sometimes young lovers are forced to call it quits because
they end up attending different colleges in different cities,
states, or even continents.
What can one do in such a situation? Is the relationship worth
pursuing or should they just forget about it and part ways?
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what is a long distance relationship? |
The first thing to understand is that a relationship across
great distances does not necessarily qualify as a
relationship. Let me explain.
If a guy has been dating a girl for two years and she decides
to travel across Europe with nothing but a backpack and pocket
change, where does this leave the duo? Well, the first thing
to do in this situation is to establish some ground rules
before she hops on that plane.
The couple must agree on how they will deal with this
separation, and even if they will remain a couple at all. If
one decides that they cannot be in a long distance
relationship, while the other is ready to sacrifice a little
for the sake of staying together, then they have a problem on
their hands..
There are three basic options when dealing with a
long-distance love affair: the couple can remain faithful to
each other; they can date other people and see what happens;
or they can call it quits and start dating other people right
away.
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remaining faithfully yours |
One option is to keep everything the way it is -- whether you
are 5 miles or 5,000 miles away from each other. This way of
thinking is very popular among young lovebirds, new to the
journey of romance.
They tend to believe that physical space between them will not
affect the solidity of the relationship because their
"undying" love for each other can surpass this seemingly small
obstacle. This often applies to couples that get separated for
education reasons.
What happens in many cases, however, is that one of the
partners may start feeling lonely and begin looking around to
see what the "relationship market" has to offer.
But if the woman, for example, decides to hold back and not
date anybody during her time away from her boyfriend, he
should also be saving himself for her. Right? In an ideal
situation, this would be the plan. But unfortunately, that's
not always possible.
The guy in question might start fooling around, but will
eventually feel guilty about it, even if six months have
passed since he last saw his girlfriend.
The problem is that the terms of the relationship clearly
state that this should not happen. What then?
Simply having made a decision to allow each other the freedom
to date other people while they were apart, and seeing if they
still felt the same way about each other once they were
reunited, could have prevented this situation. Hence, the
second category for a long-distance relationship.
This same principle applies to any couple in the initial stage
of dating: they are together but they're not committed.
Both follow the unwritten rule of allowing each other to date
other people until they feel the need to be exclusive.
This is a perfectly rational way of looking at a potential
long-distance love affair. What if, for example, unavoidable
circumstances force the woman to leave and desert her mate in
the early stages of the relationship.
Although some couples develop faster than others, common sense
should always be of the essence, as emotions sometimes tend to
run away with us.
The underlying idea here is that impossible promises should
not be made and only a reciprocal, genuine affection for each
other will decide the couple's fate.
If staying together is not in your cards, it soon becomes
obvious, and ending the relationship is the only solution.
This way, there won't be any broken hearts or unnecessary
lies.
It's a smart thing to slow down a love connection at an early
stage in order to avoid any heartache, especially if you know
you will be separated shortly.
The ideal solution would be to not get involved with anybody
knowing that you will be required to be separated for a long
period of time.
But if you decide to go ahead and start dating this woman,
then do it wisely and know that your days together are
numbered.
The smart thing to do in this case is remind yourself that
there are no short-term obligations and that as soon as you
are separated, your life will continue and women will still be
at arm's length.
Long-distance relationships can be best separated into three
categories: remaining faithful, dating loosely to see what
happens or breaking off the relationship altogether.
Whichever category is chosen depends largely on which stage of
the relationship you and your girlfriend are at.
This ties in nicely with one of my fellow AskMen.com writers,
Curt Smith, who strongly believes that
Rejection Is Better Than Regret. You don't want to spend
the rest of your days reminiscing about what could have been.
This will allow for painful heartache and... ulcers.
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