By:
Bryan Redfield
The following question was sent in to Bryan for dating and
relationship advice. Bryan is the creator of The Redfield
System, a proven relationship system that teaches you how to
find, meet and date that 'someone special'.
Question:
I'm a 24 year old guy. After many years in "the scene", and in
& out of short term relationships, the item that always
puzzled me the most was phone and message etiquette.
How long do you wait to call after you get her number?
If she asks for your number first, but you both exchange
numbers, should you wait for her to call?
If you leave a message and she doesn't call back, do you call
again?
If so, how long do you wait before calling back?
Do you always call her, or should you expect her to call
sometimes?
Usually if I don't get a call back from my initial call, I
assume they're not interested, but have found a few situations
where that wasn't the case. How is one to tell, by not
returning the first call, if someone isn't interested, or is
interested and just being shy or coy, and waiting to see if
you'll be persistent and call again.
I'm always concerned that if I call again, and she's not
interested, I'll seem like a "stalker" :) Any tips or hints
would be appreciated. Thanks.
Answer:
If a woman *wants* to get together with you for a date, and
she's a good prospect, she isn't going to play games with you
or waste any time. She's going to get together with you so she
can see if she can have any kind of a relationship with you.
That being said, here's how to handle the first phone call
with class, style and dignity.
When you exchange numbers ask her, When is a good time for me
to call? and let that be your guideline. That way you'll have
a good chance of getting her when she's home, rather than
playing hit and miss.
After you've met, wait at least two days, but no longer than a
week, for your first call.
If you call the next day, it makes you look desperate. If you
wait longer than a week, it looks like you don't care. Neither
is good.
If you call and get her roommate, leave your name, phone
number and where you met and ask her when she's usually home.
If she doesn't call you back in two days, call again. Then
keep calling until you either get her or lose interest.
Just because you leave a message with a roommate doesn't mean
she got it. The same holds true for answering machines. The
only way you will *know* she got your message is when you
actually talk with her on the phone and she tells you she got
your message. Until then, assume she didn't get it.
The reason most (not all) women ask for your phone number is
because it's an excellent way to test a man. If you won't give
her your number, why not? What are you trying to hide? Other
women ask for your number because they have every intention of
calling you if they don't hear from you.
Should you wait for her to call you? That depends entirely on
your personal tastes. But if you've asked for her number and
told her you'd call, for you not to call just makes you look
bad because you've shown her you don't keep your word. Not a
good way to start a relationship.
Whether she calls you on a regular basis or not is entirely
dependent on what you're both comfortable with. Ask her how
she feels about calling a guy and tell her how you feel.
That's all part of establishing a relationship. If she never
calls you, or is uncomfortable calling you (and it's important
to you that she calls once in a while), take it as an early
warning you won't get along and move on to another woman.
Why do men lie to women about future phone
calls as though they are doing a courtesy to the women they
date? Do they think it polite to keep us anticipating their
call? Do they fancy themselves the gentleman as they leave a
woman to ponder what it is that she has said? Was it her
perfume? Was it her shoes? Did she buy the wrong brand of
deodorant?
Why not just come out with it? Stop wasting
her time and move along. After all, it was you who
pursued her to begin with. If you’ve changed your mind, you
can stop calling. I mean really, if you don’t think she’s
worthy of an explanation for why you’ve stopped calling, then
why bother lying to her and saying you will. That just serves
to confuse and anger the woman, and I assure you angry is not
something you want to make most women!
The thing is, I understand. I know how hard it
can be to have that conversation somewhere between a couple of
dates and a relationship. There is that middle ground, where
it’s too soon to have a “talk”, but it’s too late to just not
call anymore. But of all the options, not calling is just
shy of being as cruel as telling them you’ll call and THEN
not calling!
This latter option implies a level of malice,
of intentional mind-screwing that leaves a lady to ponder
endlessly on her every flaw and misplaced comment. It drives
a person to the edge wondering, where they had gone wrong.
After one date, unimportant. After two dates, barely
classified as a disappointment. After three, you write it off
as bad timing or a simple mismatching. But, after four or
more dates, it’s just plain cruel to not offer up some level
of communication as to what happened between date four and
date seven to make you decide, quite consciously, to tell her
to wait by the phone while you DON’T call her back. At least
if you were too cowardly to confront the issue you could just
say I’ll speak to you later and not call her. Then she
can take a hint from there, but if you say, I’ll call you
later this evening after such and such and such…to not
call is unkind if not passive aggressive for no good reason!
Men, all of you, please hear me and understand
the message you send when you behave this way…You are saying;
I don’t adore you, but you’ll do to pass the time with for
now. If this is not the message you want to send, simply
extend an explanation beforehand. Or at the very least, when
it finally does occur to you how rude you are being and you DO
decide to call, offer up some sort of an apology for your
disgustingly inconsiderate behavior so you may avoid adding
insult to injury by also implying (quite by accident I am
sure) that she is insane for feeling as though you have been
treating her quite flippantly. Which I assure you, you have
indeed!
